Trouble

I make decisions everyday. Some are big, some are not so big. Some are wrong, some are right. Some are either wrong or right based on the information available at any given moment. That is what I tell myself . . . but, the truth is that sometimes the decisions I make are just wrong. There is no way to sugarcoat the facts - sometimes, I mess up, and I mess up BIG.

I'd like to find a way to justify my actions, to say I'm sorry for the havoc I wreak . . . but that would mean that I could also find a way to change the actions or decisions I make. Sadly, I can't take back what I've already done . . . and that leads to trouble.

Everytime I throw my hands up in frustration and walk away from a disagreement is echoed in how my 13 year old handles her life.

Everytime I tell a little white lie, maybe to save face for myself, or to justify a decision that was flawed is echoed back at me in excuses for why homework isn't done.

Everytime I try to "rob peter to pay paul" comes back secondfold to haunt me . . . and to make me realize, yet again that the only decisions I should be making are the ones that are honest, thought out and made with my family.

I feel like I walk on eggshells around my family a lot of the time, because I'm afraid that decisions made in the past will come back around . . . and most of the time they do.

I do the laundry, I cook the meals, I put my life into a jar to be opened at a later date. I'd love to put away the lies, the fears and the trouble for later as well , but I know that if I do that what I open up will be filled with bitterness and regret.

There is only so much regret that a person can carry around until a breaking point happens. Then, there are tears and apologies and promises . . . which are only as good as the moment.

Trouble comes from lies, from hiding behind excuses, from not wanting to face reality. For me trouble comes with trying to keep up with the the expectations that I feel I am obligated to. Be the best mom, the best friend, the best hostess . . . the best. But I can't be and then my life becomes a lie - and trouble comes along. So - how do I change tomorrow?

I will tell myself, my family and my friends that honesty is the best policy. Always. No matter what. I will tell them that they are worth more than what they do. I will tell them that filling up days and nights with keeping busy means that days and nights are meaningless and empty. I will tell them that love will keep us all going - no matter what. I will tell them that love will fill their hearts and not make them yearn for the things that cause trouble.

I will tell them that the trouble caused is not worth the effort put into it. That life is more than what we can see at the moment, that living for the moment only causes trouble.

I honestly hate the trouble I cause.